


Wishful Thinking (4.08)

by ackles_ass_equation



Series: Superghetto [69]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol, Busty Asian Beauties, Canon Compliant, Canon Related, Drugs, Episode: s04e08 Wishful Thinking, Hell, Hoodoo, Impala, Porn, Samulet, Screenplay/Script Format, Tiamat Talisman, Wishful Thinking, Wishing Well, curse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 10:18:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7840915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ackles_ass_equation/pseuds/ackles_ass_equation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Da Winchestas rewind a hood wishin well dat straight-up grants wishes... at a shitty cost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. NOW

**INT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SHOWERS - NIGHT**  
A biatch, CANDACE, is up in tha shower as a naked teenage pimp watches fo' realz. As CANDACE turns around, tha pimp disappears. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch gets outta tha shower n' we peep evidence of a invisible presence: a hand print appears on tha glass n' footprints step tha fuck up on tha ground. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!   
  
**CANDACE**  
Hello, biatch? Is anybody there, biatch?   
  
CANDACE tosses a towel behind her n' it gets suspended up in tha air, over tha head of tha invisible boy.  
  
**INVISIBLE PERVERT GUY**  
Um, hello, biatch? Mrs fo' realz. Armstrong?


	2. ACT ONE

**INT. BAR - NIGHT**  
SAM n' DEAN is chillin at a table. DEAN is downin shots.

  
**SAM**  
It just don't make any sense, Dean. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I mean, why would Uriel tell me you remembered Hell if you didn't, biatch?   
  
**DEAN**  
Maybe cuz he a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dick. Might have suttin' ta do wit dat shit.   
  
**SAM**  
Maybe yo, but da perved-out muthafucka still a angel.   
  
**DEAN**  
Yeah, a angel whoz ass was locked n loaded ta level a entire town. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Look, I don't give a fuck what tha fuck --  
  
**CHEERFUL WAITER**  
Radical. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. What else can I git you muthafuckas?  
  
**SAM**  
Uh, I be thinkin we good. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg!   
  
**CHEERFUL WAITER**  
Yeah, biatch?   
  
**SAM**  
Yeah  
  
**CHEERFUL WAITER**  
Yo ass wanna try a cold-ass lil couple fryer bombs, biatch? Or a cold-ass lil chipotle chili changa?  
  
**DEAN**  
Fuck dat shit, no, we-we still good. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg!   
  
**CHEERFUL WAITER**  
Okay, phat.   
  
**DEAN**  
Sam, straight-up, I have no clue why Uriel holla'd at you what tha fuck da ruffneck did, aiiight, biatch?   
  
**SAM**  
Right.  
  
**DEAN**  
What, biatch?   
  
**SAM**  
Okay. Fine. Then look me up in tha eye n' tell me you don't remember a thang from yo' time down under n' shit.   
  
**DEAN**  
I don't remember a thang from mah time down under n' shit. I don't remember, Sam!   
  
**SAM**  
Look, Dean, I just wanna help.   
  
**DEAN**  
Yo ass know every last muthafuckin thang I do. Okay, biatch? Thatz all there is.   
  
**CHEERFUL WAITER**  
Outstanding. Dessert time, biatch? Huh, biatch? Am I right, biatch?   
  
**DEAN**  
Dude.   
  
**CHEERFUL WAITER**  
Listen, bros. Yo ass have gots ta try our ice cream off tha hook. It aint nuthin but off tha hook.   
  
**SAM**  
Uh, no extremities,. Biiiatch please.Just tha --  
  
**CHEERFUL WAITER**  
Check, biatch? All right, phat.   
  
**SAM**  
Thanks.  
  
**DEAN**  
All right, so, where do we go from here?  
  
**SAM**  
I aint sure. Uh, be lookin like itz been pretty on tha down-low lately. No signz of demon activity, no omens or portents I can see.  
  
**DEAN**  
Thatz phat shizzle fo' once.  
  
**SAM**  
Yeah, just tha typical smatterin of crank UFO sightings n' one possible vengeful spirit, n' I aint talkin bout no muthafuckin Jack Daniels neither yo. Here, check dis out. Uh... Up up in Concrete, Washington, eyewitnizz reportz of a pimp thatz been hustlin tha showerz of a hoes game facility. [DEAN chokes wit his brew] Da sucka fronts dat tha pimp threw her down a gangbangin' flight of stairs. I can peep you straight-up interested.  
  
**DEAN**  
Women, showers. We gots ta save these people.   
  
**EXT. CONCRETE STREET - DAY**  
DEAN drops SAM off up in front of Lucky Chinz Chinese Restaurant.  
  
**INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - DAY**  
  
**CANDACE  
** I aint surprised tha spirit ghetto chose ta make contact wit mah dirty ass. I be suttin' of a... natural sensitive.   
  
**SAM**  
I can sense dat bout you, Candace, dat whole... sensitizzle thang.  
  
**CANDACE**  
So, what tha fuck did you say you callin yo' book?  
  
**SAM**  
Oh, well, um... Well, tha hustlin title is... "Supernatural." Yeah, I've been crossin tha ghetto, gatherin stories like yours. But, anyways, you was spittin some lyrics ta me bout yo' encounter.  
  
**CANDACE**  
Yes yes y'all. Well... [sighs] Once I saw tha apparition, thatz when I started ta run.  
  
SAM gets distracted by a cold-ass lil couple humpin' at another table  
  
**SAM**  
And you holla'd tha pimp chased yo slick ass, biatch?   
  
**CANDACE**  
Not just dis shit. Well shiiiit, it knew mah name. Well shiiiit, it kept yelling, "Mrs fo' realz. Armstrong! Mrs fo' realz. Armstrong!" And thatz when I hit tha stairs n' fell.  
  
**SAM**  
Yo ass fell, biatch? Da pimp didn't push yo slick ass?  
  
**CANDACE**  
Oh, I don't-I don't give a gangbangin' fuck. I mean, I be thinkin it done did. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Maybe.  
  
**SAM**  
Did yo dirty ass feel like it meant ta hurt you, like dat shiznit was violent, or...   
  
**CANDACE**  
Dat shiznit was a pimp. I be dirty ta be kickin it fo' realz. Anyway, I was all up in tha bottom of tha stairs, n' thatz when it gots weird. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! [Chuckles] It helped mah crazy ass up.  
  
**SAM**  
Say again, biatch?   
  
**CANDACE**  
Yeah. Well shiiiit, it helped mah crazy ass up fo' realz. And it kept sayin over n' over, "Please, don't tell mah momma."  
  
**SAM**  
Yeah, thatz weird. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!   
  
**EXT. FITNESS CENTER - DAY**  
DEAN is readin tha local newspaper on tha stairz of tha Fitnizz Center n' shit. Da headline says: Local Man Wins $168M Lottery.  
  
**SAM**  
Well, you pick up anything, biatch?   
  
**DEAN**  
No EMF up in tha shower or anywhere else. This doggy den is clean.  
  
**SAM**  
Yeah. I aint surprised. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I kind of gots tha feelin back there dat wild-ass pushed Mrs fo' realz. Armstrong down tha stairs.  
  
**DEAN**  
I gots ta rap , I be pretty pissed tha fuck off.  
  
**SAM**  
[Exhalez sharply] Yo ass wanted ta save naked dem hoes. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.   
  
**DEAN**  
Damn right I wanted ta save some naked dem hoes.  
  
SAM chucklez lightly.  
  
Three bullies is chasin one boy.  
  
**BULLY BOY #1**  
Come on, muthafuckas, git him!  
  
**BULLY BOY #2**  
I gots him! I gots him!  
  
**DEAN**  
Run, Forrest, run!   
  
**SAM**  
Sorry, Dean yo, but I don't be thinkin anythingz goin on round here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho.   
  
A playa is jumpin off bout some shiznit wit a five-o fool on tha pier.  
  
**GUS**  
How tha fuck tha hell was I supposed ta git a peep it, biatch? It grabbed mah crazy ass from behind n' threw me tha fuck into a tree biaatch!  
  
**DEAN**  
Somethingz goin on.  
  
**POLICE OFFICER**  
Yeah, aiiight, Gus. I KNOW you gots shook up fo' realz. Every Muthafucka would be. But don't you be thinkin it-Don't you be thinkin it had ta be a funky-ass bear?  
  
**GUS**  
I know a thugged-out damn bear track when I peep one biaaatch! This thang didn't leave bear tracks muthafucka! Its feet was big-ass biaaatch!   
  
**POLICE OFFICER  
** Now, Gus...   
  
**GUS**  
Dat shiznit was Bigfoot, Hal-Da Bigfoot son!   
  
**POLICE OFFICER**  
Gus, you not poppin' off sense here.  
  
**GUS**  
Therez a Bigfoot up there, damn it, n' he a lil hustla of a funky-ass biiiatch!  
  
**SAM**  
Excuse us. STD.   
  
**POLICE OFFICER**  
What?  
  
**SAM  
** Yes, sir. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Our thugged-out asses here bout the... That.   
  
**POLICE OFFICER  
** Bout Bigfoot, biatch?   
  
**SAM**  
Thatz right. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sir, can you tell me exactly where dis happened, biatch?   
  
**GUS**  
Yes, I can. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.   
  
**EXT. WOODS - DAY**  
  
**DEAN**  
What tha hellz goin on up in dis town, biatch? First there be a a pimp thatz not real, n' now a Bigfoot sighting, biatch?   
  
**SAM**  
Well, every last muthafuckin hunta worth his salt knows Bigfootz a hoax.   
  
**DEAN**  
Well, maybe some muthafuckaz pumpin LSD tha fuck into tha hood wata supply.  
  
SAM n' DEAN find big-ass tracks.  
  
**DEAN**  
Okay. What do you suppose made that, biatch?   
  
**SAM**  
That, uh... be a funky-ass big-ass foot.  
  
**DEAN**  
Okay.  
  
They follow tha tracks ta tha back of a liquor store dat has been fucked up into.  
  
**INT. LIQUOR STORE - DAY**  
  
**DEAN**  
So, what tha fuck-Bigfoot breaks tha fuck into a liquor store, jonesin fo' some hooch, biatch? Amaretto n' Irish cream. Dat punk a girl-drink faded.  
  
DEAN helps his dirty ass ta a funky-ass forty of suttin' on tha shelves, n' puts it tha fuck into his jacket pocket.  
  
**SAM**  
Hey. Peep dis out.   
  
**DEAN**  
Dude took tha whole porno rack, biatch? Well, I be bout ta say it again. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. What tha hell is goin on up in dis town?  
  
**EXT. LIQUOR STORE - DAY**  
SAM n' DEAN sit tha fuck down on a funky-ass bench outside tha store.  
  
**DEAN**  
I gots nothing.   
  
**SAM**  
It aint nuthin but gots ta be a joke, right, biatch? Some big-ass mutha up in a gorilla suit?  
  
**DEAN**  
Or itz a Bigfoot. Yo ass know, n' da perved-out muthafucka some kind of a alcoholo-porno crackhead. Kind of like a thugged-out deep-woodz Duchovny.  
  
A hoe on a funky-ass bike passes SAM n' DEAN, n' a Busty Asian Beautizzles magazine falls ta tha ground from tha box on tha bicycle.  
  
**DEAN**  
A lil lil' fo' busty Asian beauties.  
  
Da girl, AUDREY, drops off a funky-ass box full of brew n' porn, along wit a "Sorry" note, all up in tha back door of tha liquor store. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM n' DEAN follow her home.  
  
**EXT fo' realz. AUDREY'S HOUSE - DAY**  
  
**DEAN**  
Whatz this, like a "Harry n' tha Hendersons" deal?  
  
**AUDREY**  
Hello?  
  
**SAM**  
Hello! Um, could we... Yo ass know what, biatch? Is yo' muthafathas home?  
  
**AUDREY**  
Nope.  
  
**SAM**  
No.  
  
**DEAN**  
No. Um.. yo. Has you done peeped a straight-up, straight-up furry...   
  
**AUDREY**  
Is he up in shit, biatch?   
  
**SAM**  
No. [Chuckling] Fuck dat shit, no, no. Not at all. Us playas just-Us thugs wanted ta make shizzle da thug was all gravy.  
  
**DEAN**  
Exactly.  
  
**AUDREY**  
Dat punk mah teddy bear. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. I be thinkin da perved-out muthafucka sick.  
  
**DEAN**  
Wow. Uh.. fo' realz. Amazing. 'Cause you know what, biatch? We... are, uh... teddy bear doctors.  
  
**AUDREY**  
Really, biatch? Yo ass betta please take a peep him?  
  
**SAM**  
Sure.   
  
**DEAN**  
Sure. Yeah.   
  
**INT fo' realz. AUDREY'S HOUSE - DAY**  
SAM n' DEAN follow AUDREY inside tha doggy den n' upstairs.  
  
**AUDREY**  
Dat punk up in mah bedroom. Dat punk pretty grumpy. [knockin on tha door] Teddy, biatch? Therez some sick doctors here ta peep you, biatch.  
  
Bitch opens tha door ta reveal a real, big-ass n' faded teddy dat is watchin televizzle.  
  
**TEDDY**  
Close tha friggin' door playa!   
  
AUDREY closes tha door   
  
**AUDREY**  
See what tha fuck I mean, biatch?   
  
SAM n' DEAN peep each other.

 


	3. ACT TWO

**INT fo' realz. AUDREY'S HOUSE - DAY**  
  
**AUDREY**  
All I eva wanted was a teddy which was big, real, n' talked. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! But now da perved-out muthafucka fucked up all tha time-not "ouch" fucked up yo, but ouch-in-the-head fucked up-say weird stuff, n' smells like tha bus.  
  
**DEAN**  
Um, lil girl...  
  
**AUDREY**  
Audrey dawwwwg!   
  
**DEAN**  
Audrey yo. How tha fuck exactly did yo' teddy become real?  
  
**AUDREY**  
I wished fo' dat shit.   
  
**SAM**  
Yo ass wished fo' it?  
  
**AUDREY**  
At tha wishin well.  
  
DEAN opens tha bedroom door. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. TEDDY is watchin tha shizzle on tha TV.  
  
**TEDDY**  
Look at all dis bullshit. [Chuckling] Yo ass believe dis crap, biatch?   
  
**DEAN**  
Not straight-up.   
  
**TEDDY**  
It be a shitty ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Why is I here?!   
  
**AUDREY**  
For chronic parties muthafucka!   
  
**TEDDY**  
Tea parties, biatch? Is dat all there is, biatch? [Guns firin on TV]  
  
SAM n' DEAN step outta tha room fo' a minute, n' back tha fuck into tha hall.  
  
**SAM**  
Audrey, give our asses a second, aiiight, biatch? Okay fo' realz. Is we... Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Should we... Uh, is we gonna bust a cap up in dis teddy bear?  
  
**DEAN**  
How, biatch? Do we blast it, burn it, biatch?   
  
**SAM**  
I don't give a gangbangin' fuck. Both?  
  
**DEAN**  
How tha fuck do we even know thatz gonna work, biatch? I don't want some giant, flaming, pissed-off teddy on our hands.  
  
**SAM**  
Yeah. Besides, I git tha feelin dat tha bear aint straight-up the, you know, core problem here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho fo' realz. Audrey. Where is yo' muthafathas?  
  
**AUDREY**  
My fuckin momma wished they was up in Bali, so I be thinkin they up in Bali.  
  
**SAM**  
Okay, well... I be straight-up sorry ta gotta break dis ta you yo, but... yo' bear is sick. Yeah, he-he got...   
  
**DEAN**  
Lollipop disease.   
  
**SAM**  
Lollipop disease.   
  
**DEAN**  
It aint nuthin but not uncommon fo' a funky-ass bear his size. But, see, itz-it’s straight-up contagious.  
  
**SAM**  
Yeah, so, is there-is there one of mah thugs, maybe a grown-up, dat you can stay wit while we treat him?  
  
**AUDREY**  
Mrs yo. Hurley lives down tha street.  
  
**DEAN**  
Perfect.   
  
**SAM**  
Good, yeah, good. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! Uh, we'd like you ta stay there fo' all dem days, aiiight?  
  
**AUDREY**  
Okay.  
  
**DEAN**  
Oh, and, Audrey, biatch? Where is dis wishin well?  
  
**INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - DAY**  
A pimp throws a cold-ass lil coin tha fuck into tha fountain n' leaves as SAM n' DEAN arrive.  
  
**DEAN**  
Think it works?  
  
**SAM**  
Got a funky-ass betta explanation fo' teddy back there?  
  
**DEAN**  
Well, there be a one way ta smoke up.   
  
**SAM**  
What is you gonna wish for?  
  
**DEAN**  
Shh! [throws a cold-ass lil coin] Not supposed ta tell.  
  
**DELIVERY GUY**  
Some Muthafucka order a gangbangin' footlong Italian wit jalapeño?  
  
**DEAN**  
That'd be mah dirty ass.  
  
SAM n' DEAN is chillin at a table n' DEAN is smokin tha sandwich.  
  
**DEAN**  
I be thinkin it works, dude. That was pretty specific.  
  
**SAM**  
Da teddy bear, tha sandwich...  
  
**DEAN**  
Mm. I be guessin all dis bullshit. [shows tha newspaper article bout tha lottery balla]  
  
**SAM**  
I be guessin dis shit. [points up tha couple all up in tha next table]  
  
**DEAN**  
Well, dat definitely goes on tha list. What is we supposed ta do, huh, biatch? Quit peoplez wishes from comin true, biatch? I mean, it soundz like kind of a thugged-out douche-y thang ta do.   
  
**SAM**  
Yeah, maybe. But come on, man. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. When has suttin' like dis eva come without a price tag, biatch? And probably a thugged-out deadly one.   
  
**DEAN**  
I don't give a gangbangin' fuck. It aint nuthin but a thugged-out damn phat sandwich fo' realz. All right. Fine. We bout ta put a hold on tha wishin till we git into what tha fuck be happenin.  
  
**CHINESE WAITER**  
Uh, gentlemen, gentlemen. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I be sorry as a muthafucka bout dat bullshit. Us dudes don't allow playas ta smoke outside chicken here.  
  
**DEAN**  
Well, I be certainly not gonna smoke tha inside chicken here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho yo. Game department. You, mah playa, gotz a rat infestation. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. We gonna gotta shut dis place down under emergency hazard code 56C.   
  
**CHINESE WAITER**  
Rats?!   
  
Da fountain has been drained. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! DEAN is sweepin tha coins.  
  
**DEAN**  
Typical fountain, plasta Buddha. Nothang I can see.  
  
**CHINESE WAITER**  
Yes, nothing. We keep a cold-ass lil clean place here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho.   
  
**SAM  
** Sir, I'ma gotta ask you ta leave durin tha preliminary investigation, aiiight, biatch? Nuff props, biatch.  
  
**DEAN**  
Oh, come on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch fo' realz. Aren't you a lil bit tempted, biatch? [flips SAM a cold-ass lil coin]  
  
**SAM**  
[Chuckles] No. [handz tha coin back ta DEAN] Wouldn't be real. It aint nuthin but tha nick nack patty wack, I still gots tha bigger sack. I wouldn't trust dat shit.  
  
**DEAN**  
I don't give a gangbangin' fuck. That bear seemed pretty real.  
  
**SAM**  
Yeah.   
  
**DEAN**  
Come on, if you could wish yo ass back, you know, before all dat shiznit started... Think bout dat shit. You'd be some big-ass yuppie lawyer wit a sick hoopty n' a white picket fence.   
  
**SAM**  
Not what tha fuck I'd wish for.  
  
**DEAN**  
Seriously?  
  
**SAM**  
It aint nuthin but too late ta go back ta our oldschool lives, Dean. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I aint dat muthafucka no mo'.   
  
**DEAN**  
All right, well, what, then, biatch? Hmm, biatch? What would Sammy wish for?  
  
**SAM**  
Lilithz head on a plate. Bloody.   
  
**DEAN**  
Okay. What tha fuck iz that, biatch?   
  
**SAM**  
Some kind of oldschool coin. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I don't recognize tha markings.   
  
**DEAN**  
[tries ta pick it up] Damn. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.   
  
**SAM**  
Lift wit yo' legs.  
  
**DEAN**  
Is dat lil mutha welded on there, biatch? Huh.  
  
SAM n' DEAN come back ta tha restaurant wit a hammer n' a cold-ass lil crowbar.  
  
**CHINESE WAITER**  
Yo, hey, hey, what tha fuck is this?! Yo ass is gonna break mah fountain!   
  
**SAM**  
Sir, I don't wanna slap you wit a 44/16 yo, but I will. [Da waita leaves dem alone] All right, props.  
  
**DEAN**  
Let me peep dis shit. I gots a idea.  
  
DEAN tries ta budge tha coin from tha fountain yo, but breaks tha hammer.  
  
**CHINESE WAITER**  
Ho!   
  
**DEAN**  
Damn!  
  
**SAM**  
Coinz magical.  
  
**DEAN**  
Boy, I'd say. I be thinkin itz hoodoo thatz protectin tha well. I don't be thinkin we can fuck wit all dis bullshit.  
  
SAM traces tha coin n' gives tha paper ta DEAN  
  
**SAM**  
All right, here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho. Yo ass gots ta look tha fuck into all dis bullshit.  
  
**DEAN**  
Where you going?  
  
**SAM**  
Somethang just occurred ta mah dirty ass.   
  
**INT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SHOWERS - DAY**  
There be a funky-ass blonde biatch bustin only a towel n' we peep some wet footprints, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM grabs tha shoulder of tha INVISIBLE PERVERT GUY n' he appears, straight-up naked.  
  
**WOMEN**  
Aah!   
  
**INVISIBLE PERVERT GUY  
** What, biatch?   
  
**SAM**  
Don't worry, ma'am. I be wit tha game department.   
  
Da biatch leaves.  
  
**SAM**  
So, you can turn it on n' off, huh, biatch?   
  
**INVISIBLE PERVERT GUY**  
How... how tha fuck did you know dat I was...   
  
**SAM**  
Yo ass straight-up strutted up ta a wishin well, dropped a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dime, n' wished ta be invisible so you could spy on dem hoes up in tha shower?  
  
**INVISIBLE PERVERT GUY**  
N-No. No. N-Fuck dat shit, no, no. Thatz crazy.  
  
**SAM**  
[Exhalez sharply] Put on some pants, n' you can put dat on yo' toast. And stay visible.   
  
**INVISIBLE PERVERT GUY**  
O-- Okay.  
  
**EXT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. STREET - DAY**  
TODD is chasin tha bullies.  
  
**TODD**  
Yo ass betta run!   
  
TODD stops n' turns round ta confront DEAN.  
  
**TODD**  
Yo ass gots a problem, mister?  
  
**DEAN**  
What, biatch? No.  
  
DEAN puts a hand ta his stomach.  
  
**INT. MOTEL ROOM - DAY**  
SAM comes tha fuck into tha room n' hears DEAN bein sick up in tha bathroom.  
  
**SAM**  
Dean, biatch? Y'all right?  
  
**DEAN**  
[Strained voice] Da wishes turn bad, Sam. Da wishes turn straight-up bad. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!   
  
**SAM**  
Da sandwich, huh?  
  
**DEAN**  
Da coin was Babylonian. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. It aint nuthin but cursed. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I found some fragmentz of a legend yo, but it ain't no stoppin cause I be still poppin'. [looks unwell again; turns ta gag up in tha bathroom; returns] I be good. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! I be fly as a gangbangin' falcon, soarin all up in tha sky dawwwwg! The, uh... tha serpent is Tiamat, which is the, uh, Babylonian god of primordial chaos. I guess their, uh, priests was hustlin some straight-up black magic.   
  
**SAM**  
They made tha coin, biatch?   
  
**DEAN**  
Yeah, ta sow tha seedz of chaos. Whoever tosses a cold-ass lil coin up in tha wishin well, cook up a wish, it turns on tha well. Then it starts grantin wishes ta all comers.  
  
**SAM**  
But tha wishes git twisted. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! This type'a shiznit happens all tha time. Yo ass ask fo' a poppin' off teddy...   
  
**DEAN**  
Yo ass git a funky-ass bipolar nut thang.   
  
**SAM**  
And you git  _E. coli_.   
  
**DEAN**  
Mm. This thang has turned mo' than one hood upside down over tha centuries. Put ya muthafuckin choppers up if ya feel dis! It aint nuthin but even wiped all dem off tha map. I mean, one thug gets they wish, itz shiznit yo, but dem hoes gets they wish...   
  
**SAM**  
It aint nuthin but chaos.   
  
**DEAN**  
Mm-hmm.   
  
**SAM**  
Any way ta stop it, biatch?   
  
**DEAN**  
Yeah. One way. We gots ta find tha straight-up original gangsta wisher n' shit. Whoever dropped tha coin up in n' made tha straight-up original gangsta wish, they tha only ones whoz ass can pull it back up n' reverse tha wishes. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So fo' now, we've gots a cold-ass lil couple nutso trips come true yo, but once tha word gets up bout tha well, thangs is just gonna git crazier n' crazier.  
  
**INT fo' realz. AUDREY'S HOUSE - NIGHT**  
A blackboard readz “Life is meaningless. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Signed T. Bear.” TEDDY is bustin up yo. Dude puts a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shotgun up in his crazy-ass grill n' pulls tha trigger n' shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Some of tha stuffin blows away all up in a hole up in his head but TEDDY is still kickin it.  
  
**TEDDY**  
Whyyyyyyy!!  



	4. ACT THREE

**INT. MOTEL ROOM.**  
DEAN be asleep, havin a nightmare bout Hell, while SAM be awake bustin some research.  
  
**SAM**  
Dean, wake up!   
  
**DEAN**  
What, biatch? I be up. What, biatch?   
  
**SAM**  
Sleep well, biatch?   
  
**DEAN**  
Yeah. [drinks from a whiskey forty on tha floor next ta tha bed] Tan, rested, n' ready.   
  
**SAM**  
Dean, come on, man. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Yo ass be thinkin I can't peep it, biatch?   
  
**DEAN**  
See what?  
  
**SAM**  
Da nightmares, tha drinking. I be wit you 24/7. I know somethingz goin on.  
  
**DEAN**  
Sam, please.  
  
**SAM**  
Uriel wasn't lyin yo, but yo ass is. Yo ass remember Hell, don't yo slick ass, biatch?   
  
**DEAN**  
What do you want from me, huh, biatch? What, biatch?   
  
**SAM**  
Da truth, Dean. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I mean, I be yo' brutha n' shit. I, I just wish you'd rap ta mah dirty ass.  
  
**DEAN**  
Careful what tha fuck you wish for. Shiiit, dis aint no joke.   
  
**SAM**  
Cute.  
  
**DEAN**  
Come on, can we stow tha couplez therapy, huh, biatch? We on a thang. I wanna work. What do you got, biatch? Please?  
  
  
**SAM (sighing, while DEAN turns ta tha paper)  
** We gots teddy bear, uh, lottery muthafucka, invisible pervert muthafucka. They all must have wished sometime up in tha last two weeks. But whoz ass wished first, n' how tha fuck is we supposed ta know whoz ass else wished fo' what tha fuck when, biatch?   
  
**DEAN**  
Well, it helps when they announce it up in tha paper n' shit. Goes back a month.  
  
**SAM**  
Wesley Mondale n' Ms yo. Hope Lynn Casey have announced they surprise engagement.  
  
**DEAN**  
Ah, legit love.  
  
**SAM**  
[Chuckles] Best lead we got.  
  
**INT. WESLEY’S HOUSE - DAY**  
[Mid-Tempo theme cold lil' woo wop playin on TV] WES is chillin up in a armchair yo. HOPE comes up in from tha kitchen wit a roast chicken on a plate.  
  
**HOPE**  
Wes, is you chillin?  
  
**WES**  
Hmm, biatch? Oh, uh, no. Fuck dat shit, no. I was just, um. I was just restin mah eyes.   
  
**HOPE**  
[Chuckles] I thought you might want a snack.  
  
**WES**  
Oh. Oh, wow, Hope, you didn't gotta do dis shit.   
  
**HOPE**  
I wanted to. Well, no, I... I had to. Because I gots a straight-up boner fo' you mo' than anything, freak.  
  
**WES**  
Yes yes y'all. Um, Hope, sit tha fuck down, aiiight, biatch?   
  
**HOPE**  
Yes, Wes.   
  
**WES**  
Um.. yo. Hope, uh, is you happy, biatch?   
  
**HOPE**  
I gots a straight-up boner fo' you mo' than anything.   
  
**WES**  
I know. I know fo' realz. And I gots a straight-up boner fo' you, biatch. Straight-up much. Thatz why I want you ta start bustin thangs dat make... dat made you aiiight before.  
  
**HOPE**  
Yes, Wes, I be bout ta try ta be happier n' shit. I be bout ta start right away.  
  
**WES**  
Fuck dat shit, no, no, thatz not what tha fuck I mean. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. I-I be talk-  
  
**HOPE**  
Oh, Wes,. Biiiatch please.[Voice breaking] Please don't be mad salty wit mah dirty ass. Yo ass know, I'd just die, I'd just die, I'd die biaatch!  
  
**WES**  
Fuck dat shit, no, no. Don't-I be-I aint mad salty. I aint mad salty dawwwwg! No.  
  
**HOPE**  
Then let me make it up ta you, Wes. Let me make it right.  
  
**WES**  
Fuck dat shit, no, I be-I'm...   
  
Da doorbell rings.  
  
**HOPE**  
I be bout ta git dat shit. Wes muthafucka! Yo ass didn't tell me dat you called tha florists fo' tha wedding.  
  
HOPE comes back, followed by SAM n' DEAN.  
  
**WES**  
Huh, biatch?   
  
**HOPE**  
Yo ass is tha dopest son! Mmm! Ah! I'ma go git mah folders.  
  
**WES**  
Uh, o-- Okay.  
  
**DEAN**  
Wesley, howz it going, biatch?   
  
**WES**  
It aint nuthin but "Wes... ss." Aren't you tha muthafuckas from tha game department?  
  
**SAM**  
Yeah fo' realz. And florists on tha side.  
  
**DEAN**  
Plus STD fo' realz. And on Thursdays, we teddy bear doctors.   
  
**WES**  
Huh?  
  
**DEAN**  
Doesn't matta whoz ass we are. What mattas is what tha fuck we know.   
  
**SAM**  
So, coin collector, huh, Wes?  
  
**WES**  
Oh. Yeah. My... grandfather gave dem ta mah dirty ass.   
  
**DEAN**  
Did yo dirty ass happen ta lose one of dem coins lately, biatch? And by "lose," I mean drop tha fuck into a wishin well at Lucky Chinz n' cook up a wish on it, biatch?   
  
**WES**  
Fuck dat shit, I-I don't give a fuck what tha fuck you is, uh, poppin' off about.   
  
HOPE comes back wit fuckin shitloadz of papers n' folders.  
  
**HOPE**  
Okay, now, nahmeean, biatch? I gots a shitload of ideas yo, but, you know, our phat asses aint gots all tha scrilla up in tha ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Wes is between thangs n' aint a thugged-out damn thang dat yo' ass can do. Means mo' time fo' mah dirty ass. Yo ass know, I be thankin a Japanese-y ikebana kind of thang.   
  
**DEAN**  
Yes yes y'all. I can peep dat shit.  
  
**SAM**  
Yeah. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So, Hope, uh, tell our asses how tha fuck you two lovebirdz met.   
  
**HOPE**  
Oh, dopest dizzle of mah game.  
  
**DEAN**  
I bet.   
  
**HOPE**  
Yeah! It aint nuthin but tha funniest thang. We both grew up here yo, but I never straight-up knew whoz ass da thug was. Not by name anyway. Until one dizzle last month, dat shiznit was like I just [sighs] I just saw his ass fo' tha last time yo. Dude was just... glowing. Oh, just glowing.  
  
**WES**  
Uh, babe, can you-can you git our asses some coffee?  
  
**HOPE**  
Yes yes y'all. Yeah.  
  
HOPE kisses WES over n' over.  
  
**WES**  
Oh. Okay. Okay. Mm-Hmm. Okay. Oh, aiiight. Oh. Mm-mmm, aiiight. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.   
  
**HOPE**  
Yeah.   
  
**SAM**  
Wes, we know. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So tell our asses tha real deal.  
  
HOPE is listenin ta WES from tha kitchen as tha pimpin' muthafucka drops some lyrics ta tha history.  
  
**WES**  
My fuckin-mah grandfather found tha coin up in uptown Africa, you know, Ghetto Battle Pt II fo' realz. And, uh, his thugged-out lil' punk-ass brought it back yo. He, um, da perved-out muthafucka holla'd dat shiznit was a real wish-grantin coin yo, but dat no muthafucka should eva use dat shit. Um... Dat shiznit was all I had, n' when da ruffneck died, I thought, "Well, you know what, biatch? Why not give tha coin a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shot?"  
  
**SAM**  
Yeah, well, now you gonna wish it back.  
  
**WES**  
Oh. [chuckles] Oh yo. Ha ha, no, I be not.  
  
**DEAN**  
If you don't stop it, suttin' badz gonna happen.  
  
**SAM**  
Somethang bad. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Like us.   
  
**DEAN**  
We straight-up wish you'd come wit us.   
  
**EXT. IMPALA - DAY**  
DEAN is driving, beside his ass is SAM n' WES is up in tha back seat.  
  
**WES**  
I don't git dat shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So, mah wish came true. Why do dat gotta be a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shitty-ass thang, biatch?   
  
**SAM**  
Because tha wishes go south, Wes. Yo crazy-ass hood is goin insane.   
  
**DEAN**  
Come on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Yo ass is gonna sit there n' tell me dat yo' relationshizzle wit Hope is functional, dat itz what tha fuck you wished for, biatch?   
  
**WES**  
I wished dat biiiiatch would ludd me mo' than anything.  
  
**SAM**  
Yeah, and, uh, how tha fuck is dat going, biatch? That seem healthy ta yo slick ass?  
  
**WES**  
Well, itz a hell of a shitload betta than when her dope ass didn't give a fuck I was kickin it.  
  
**DEAN**  
Yo ass aint supposed ta git what tha fuck you want, dude, not like all dis bullshit. No Muthafucka is. Thatz what tha fuck tha coin do. Well shiiiit, it takes yo' heartz desires n' it twists it back on you, biatch. Yo ass hear of tha whole, uh, "be careful what tha fuck you wish for", biatch?   
  
**SAM**  
Did our laid-back asses just hit something, biatch?   
  
**DEAN**  
I didn't peep anything.   
  
**INVISIBLE PERVERT GUY  
** Ow! Ow.  
  
**WES**  
[Mockingly] "Careful what tha fuck you wish for." [Normal voice] Yo ass know whoz ass say that, biatch? Good-lookin jerks like you muthafuckas, tha ones who've gots it so easy as fuck cuz you happen ta be thugged-out.   
  
**SAM**  
Easy?  
  
**DEAN**  
Easy, biatch?   
  
**WES**  
Yeah. Booty-dem hoes peep you, right, biatch? They notice you, biatch.   
  
**SAM**  
Believe us, our phat asses aint gots it easy as fuck .   
  
**DEAN**  
We is miserable. We never git what tha fuck we want. In fact, we gotta fight tooth n' nail just ta keep whatever it is we got.   
  
**SAM**  
But you know what, biatch? Maybe thatz tha whole point, Wes.   
  
**DEAN**  
Yeah, playas is playas 'cause they miserable bastards, 'cause they never git what tha fuck they straight-up want.   
  
**SAM**  
Right, yeah, you git what tha fuck you want, you git crazy.   
  
**DEAN**  
Take a peep Mike Jackson, hmm, biatch? Or Hasselhoff.   
  
**WES**  
Yo ass know what, biatch? Hope loves me now-straight-up fo' realz. And itz phat. Besides, look around. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Wherez all this, uh, insanitizzle you muthafuckas was poppin' off about, biatch?   
  
Da bully thugs is inside a big-ass four-wheel-drive.  
  
**BULLY BOY #1**  
Just hit tha button!   
  
TODD lifts tha hoopty up. DEAN stops tha Impala.  
  
**DEAN**  
Well, dat should cover dat shit.   
  
TODD tips tha hoopty over.  
  
**TODD**  
Kneel before Todd hommie! Kneel before Todd hommie! 


	5. ACT FOUR

**EXT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. STREET. DAY**  
TODD is rockin tha hoopty wit tha thugs still inside.  
  
**BULLY BOYS  
** Quit dat shiznit son!  
  
DEAN gets outta tha Impala.  
  
**DEAN**  
Fine biaaatch! I be bout ta handle Todd. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Yo ass git Wes ta Lucky Chin's. Go!   
  
**SAM**  
Right.  
  
SAM drives away as DEAN confronts TODD.  
  
**DEAN**    
Yo, kid hommie! Can I rap ta you fo' a second, biatch?   
  
**TODD**  
Git outta mah way dawwwwg!   
  
**DEAN**  
Okay. Yo, I can dig it, Todd. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Well shiiiit, it-itz Todd, right, biatch? Look, I-I know tha score. Okay, biatch? They're-they bullyin you, biatch.   
  
**TODD**  
Every day. It make me wanna hollar playa! Every dizzle dawwwwg! Yo ass do not know what tha fuck itz like biaaatch!   
  
**DEAN**  
Fuck dat shit, no, I don't. But, you know, you you n' I be me, so- [chuckles]   
  
**TODD**  
Couldn't stop dem wild-ass muthafuckas. I couldn't do anything. Then Audrey Elmer holla'd at mah crazy ass tha wishin well worked. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!   
  
**DEAN**  
Okay, aiiight. Look-look, I git dat shit. They're-they mean lil jerks, huh, biatch? But they not superhuman like you, biatch. Yo ass see, wit pimped out juice comes pimped out respon... Ohh!   
  
TOOD punches DEAN n' throws his ass tha fuck into some garbage cans n' trash bags.  
  
**EXT. OUTSIDE CHINESE RESTAURANT - DAY**  
SAM parks up in front of tha Lucky Chinz n' he n' WES git out.  
  
**WES**  
That-dat-dat kid turned over dat hoopty like-like dat shiznit was nothing.   
  
**SAM**  
Yo ass should have peeped tha teddy bear. Shiiit, dis aint no joke. Now, come on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Funz over n' shit. Time ta pull tha coin. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Wes muthafucka!   
  
**WES**  
Well, why can't our laid-back asses just git what tha fuck we want?!   
  
**SAM**  
Because thatz game, Wes.   
  
A lightnin bolt strikes SAM n' he falls dead as fuckin fried chicken.  
  
**SAM**  
Ugh!  
  
WES goes tha fuck into tha restaurant.  
  
**INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - DAY**  
HOPE is up in front of tha wishin well.  
  
**WES**  
Hope, biatch?   
  
**HOPE**  
I had ta do it, didn't I, biatch? Dude was gonna make you wish away our love.   
  
**EXT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. STREET - DAY**  
DEAN gets up from tha garbage.  
  
**DEAN**  
Yo, kid hommie! I didn't wanna gotta do all dis bullshit. [punches TODD, whoz ass don’t move] Ohh!   
  
TODD puts a hand round DEAN’s throat n' starts ta choke his muthafuckin ass.  
  
**INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - DAY**  
  
**WES**  
Yo ass wished a playa dead, biatch?   
  
**HOPE**  
I gots a straight-up boner fo' you mo' than anything.   
  
**WES**  
Quit sayin dis shit. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Quit dat shiznit son!   
  
**HOPE**  
[Voice breaking] But I do. Mo' than anything. Mo' than mah dirty ass. Mo' than game. Oh, Wes. Don't don't give a fuck bout mah dirty ass.   
  
**WES**  
It'll be aiiight. I be bout ta make it aiiight. It aint nuthin but gonna be aiiight.  
  
WES removes tha coin from tha fountain, reversin all tha wishes. TODD aint phat no mo' n' lets DEAN go. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. SAM wakes up.  
  
**EXT. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. STREET - DAY**

 **DEAN**  
Okay. Big up mah lead n' you won't gotz a problem. Come on. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch.   
  
DEAN acts up in front of tha bully thugs as if da perved-out muthafucka scared of TODD.  
  
**DEAN**  
Okay, dude, no mo' biaaatch! No more, aiiight, biatch? [turns ta tha kids] I wouldn't mess wit dis kid any mo' if I was you, biatch.   
  
**BULLY BOYS**  
Stay back!  
  
**INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - DAY**  
  
**WES**  
Hope.   
  
HOPE don't recognize Wes.  
  
**HOPE**  
Do I know yo slick ass, biatch? [she leaves]  
  
**EXT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - DAY**  
A dejected WES gives tha coin ta SAM n' leaves.


	6. ACT FIVE

**EXT. PIER. DAY**  
DEAN is readin tha local newspaper n' shit. Da headline says: “Winnin Lottery Ticket A Fake” fo' realz. AUDREY strutts past, followed by her sunburned muthafathas. Dat hoe carryin a normal-sized teddy wit a hole up in his head n' a stickin plasta on dat shit.  
  
**SAM**  
Well, uh, coinz melted down. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Well shiiiit, it shouldn't cause any mo' problems. Boy it's gettin hot, yes indeed it is.   
  
**DEAN**  
Audreyz muthafathas is back from Bali. Looks like all tha wishes is gone fo' realz. And so is we.   
  
They're leavin when suddenly DEAN stops.  
  
**DEAN**  
Hang on a second. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka!   
  
**SAM**  
What, biatch?   
  
**DEAN**  
Yo ass was right.   
  
**SAM**  
Bout what, biatch?   
  
**DEAN**  
I shouldn't have lied ta you, biatch. I do remember every last muthafuckin thang dat happened ta me up in tha Pit. Everything.   
  
**SAM**  
So tell me bout dat shit.   
  
**DEAN**  
No.  
  
**SAM**  
Uh...  
  
**DEAN**  
I won't lie no mo'. But I aint gonna rap bout dat shit.  
  
**SAM**  
Dean, look, you can't just shoulder dis thang ridin' solo. Yo ass gots ta let me help.  
  
**DEAN**  
How, biatch? Do you straight-up be thinkin dat a lil heart-to-heart, some pluggin n' caring, is gonna chizzle anything, biatch? Hmm, biatch? Somehow... heal me son, biatch? I aint poppin' off on some gangbangin' finger-lickin' dirty-ass shitty-ass dizzle here, so peek-a-boo, clear tha way, I be comin' thru fo'sho.   
  
**SAM**  
I know dis shit.   
  
**DEAN**  
Da thangs dat I saw... there aint lyrics. There is no forgetting. Therez no makin it mo' betta n' shit. Because it is right here... [taps his head] forever n' shit. Yo ass wouldn't understand. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! And I could never make you understand. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! So I be sorry bout dat bullshit. 


End file.
